This piece contains some various excerpts on this section I have recorded or written previously.

Rev. Deb’s Excerpts from Radio Show of 11-1-11 –

Now that Halloween is over we put away our masks and all that we used to disguise ourselves as we talk about this reading.

In the first paragraph it speaks of “the special relationship is an attempt to reenact the past and change it” and of course all the imagined slights pain and disappointment, etc. What I do is that I “attempt to reenact the past and try to change it” because I want that love that I did not receive before. I want the caring and the tenderness that was absent. Because of this I may enter into a relationship of any sorts, it could even be a work situation, people change jobs when we are unhappy and not getting our needs met or we are not being fulfilled.

I have been married four times and I have spoken my history many times and in different ways and what I went through over all these many, many years. Each time I thought that I would get it right “this time.” But then I would get into the situations, these relationships where each time there was pain. The love that I so desired and the connection that I so desired was never found. In my own mind I have abused myself terribly. Jesus mentions, the “wounded self-esteem” and that started from way from the beginning as a child. So here getting into relationships and friendships and situations trying to make up for that love that I thought I should have had. I was deprived and so I get into a relationship and direct, “You better give it to me and you have got to make up for what happened to me.”

Sometimes people go from one relationship maybe they’re married and then get divorced and then they get into another relationship and another relationship. Why? Because they don’t want to be alone or they are scared. Yet, I do want that connection and I do want that love and the only place I’m going to find that is within myself. I am only going to find that love within myself. I am only going to find a healed self-esteem within myself whenever I go and join with the Holy Spirit and hear what He has to say about me. He knows the truth about me.

What do I know? Not much because I am coming from which teacher? The ego. Coming from the ego then the belief is if I could just have somebody in that place that is going to remove all the pain and suffering from the past then I would be happy and I would be saved. Because of this we are really not seeing the other person at all as I am living in the past fantasy. Jesus is telling us that the past is nothing and don’t seek to put any blame on the past for what is occurring now.

I know that I did that in my first marriage. I was 19 when I got married and it only last a couple of years. I believed at the end of that marriage, and I was in my early 20s, that my life was over. I believe that I would be alone and that I would never be with anybody again. I thought would never be in relationship going to be lonely and that’s what I clung to within.

I was mistaken. I went from the frying pan and into the fire. This occurs if I don’t heal my mind with the Holy Spirit. I then can go from relationship to relationship to relationship, to job to job, friendship to friendship and keep searching and I’m never going to find that which I seek. I am always going to be lacking because I was not looking within me for that love, connection and appreciation.

Jesus speaks of vigilance of our mind many times in the Course. It is recognizing that I am not at peace and wanting to be at peace. I do this by stopping and joining in the holy instant. Making it a regular practice is to our benefit. When I feel myself disturbed in any way, I take the time personally to do some deep breaths, or drinking a glass of water, or finding some way to soothe myself a little more so I can willingly join in the holy instant.

We already have God’s gift, that holy instant, that part of us in our mind that remembers the truth. As it says the end of paragraph 8, everything that the Holy Spirit teaches is to remind me that I already have God’s Love. I do not have to sacrifice myself for God’s Love. I do not have to suffer. I do not have to stay in an abusive relationship, for instance, to prove anything. I just follow what He shows me, what He teaches me, and what He guides me to do.

It is bringing everything to the Holy Spirit all throughout the day, everything that comes up throughout the day. Anytime someone is sharing with us and we do not agree with what they are sharing, if I am disturbed in my peace in any way, that I bring that to the Holy Spirit. I do not have to be in agreement with the other person. I just need to remember that peace is the one goal. Do I want peace? Or am I invested in being right?

Joining in the holy instant places me in peace and isn’t that what I truly want anyway? No more searching, no more clinging outside of me and only going within to embrace the Love, Acceptance, Appreciation and the Peace from God.


Rev. Deb



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