I wanted to share this lovely essay by Deb Claire who is one of our ministerial students. As of 7/17/11 we now have our first class that has completed Year 2. I had asked Deb if I could share her essay with the public because it was so beautifully written about her experience over the last two years.
The first two years of the program as some of you may be aware is a yearlong study of the Text and a yearlong study of the Workbook for Students. In September, the class will be beginning their 3rd year of training with the Manual for Teachers, the Song of Prayer and Psychotherapy pamphlets and several units in topics such as: “How to be Truly Helpful from the ACIM Perspective”, “How to Listen”, “How to Help Others Help Themselves”, “How to Help Those in Relationship”, “Loving Group Process” and “Resources for Ministers and Ministerial Functions” among additional studies.
We are very proud of all of our students and their endeavors, but most especially their dedication to the study and practical application of ACIM.
It is with honor and gratitude that I present to you Deb’s essay.
Namaste,
Rev. Deb
FURTHER DOWN THE BRANCH
By Debra Claire, MiraclesOne Ministerial Candidate
Introduction
The following are my reflections on my experience of the last two years studying the lessons and text of “A Course in Miracles”. I have arranged them in themes that show the progression from the beginning to now. I believe that whatever spiritual path one takes, it is the journey toward the ultimate transformation and the most profound endeavor one can choose.
Surprises & Struggles
I was naive about what it would take to do what the Course is asking and the toll it would take on my daily life. As I learned the truth about the illusory nature of the universe I see and the depth of the insanity it has spawned I have felt worse, even terror and despair. I somehow assumed my life would only shift in a positive direction since I knew this was the truth. I thought my life would be fixed immediately, but now I realize it will only be fixed to the extent I allow His will to be done.
I’ve gone through an extended grieving process as one by one, I’ve come to recognize the meaninglessness of things I held dear. As a result, I find myself feeling more cautious about recommending the Course to others and even wanting to alert them that it could turn their world upside down. But, of course, this is my experience and others’ paths will be different.
When I started this program, I was concerned about the pace. I knew once I committed to the program agenda, I would no longer have the luxury of going at my own pace. It has indeed been challenging, but it has compelled me to be consistent and steady as well as providing me with “mighty companions” with whom to share the journey.
I’ve also been surprised, and at times disappointed, at the unevenness of my learning and insights. I thought I would follow a steady upward progression, but instead I’ve gone up and down, forward and backward, experiencing beautiful moments of serenity followed by petty, lonely, dark stretches of pain intensified by the contrast with the light.
I discovered soon in my studies that my faith was weak. I often have felt frustrated at the promises the Course extends that I couldn’t experience because I lacked the trust. I’ve been learning I actually have to believe in it, take the leap. It has only been when I’ve had the courage to let go and rely on Holy Spirit that I’ve received the answers and calmness promised. These moments are lovely.
As I’ve read the elegant and powerful passages in the Course, I was surprised that one could be exposed to something so profound and not be enlightened right then and there. I wondered this about others who’ve studied the Course as well, thinking, “you’ve read that and you’re still having problems?”. This shows my lack of understanding of the process. I now see the collective dark shadow is healed in many, many layers.
Gains
I’ve learned although others and outside influences can help, I need not seek outside myself, not even in teachers.
My capacity to love, accept, and forgive has noticeably increased. I have more tenderness now that brings me more peace and joy.
I feel a growing sense of quiet satisfaction that my stubborn egoic will is breaking down. My self-righteous arrogance and contrasting self-criticism has been softening. I’ve clung to it, believing I was right in many situations. And now I’m happy to discover I was wrong. Similarly, I had a powerful need to feel special because I felt so defective growing up. I’m now learning I, along with my fellow beings, have the ultimate “specialness” just by who we are, conferred by God himself.
I’m learning how to partner with Holy Spirit through the subtle process of hearing the quiet Voice. It feels like a sweet dance when I’m able to be guided. Gaining skill in this listening will be foremost for whatever incarnations are left for me.
Next Steps
One of my continuing concerns is the feeling that I’m abandoning others as I start to wake up. I know intellectually that I can do no better service for my brothers than to wake up and reflect the truth, but watching their pain and knowing it need not be is hard for me. I hope to find more acceptance of this in this next year.
I intend to increase my trust in Holy Spirit at the very times it’s hardest to do so, as when overwhelmed, in pain, or seeing pain in the world. I am intrigued by the instruction to “not see what is not there”.
Gratitude
It feels like no accident that I’m alive at the very time that the Course was created. I was drawn to a spiritual life early on and I believe this awakening time was orchestrated for me and all those who are drawn to this path now. This is the pivotal point in my real life and I couldn’t be more grateful to J. and all my brothers who walk this path back to Heaven with me. Blessings to all.
